I had a long discussion about this with my friend over the weekend.
"I've been sitting on Ben's e-mail address for like three weeks now," I told L. "I have been hesitant to contact him because I don't know what I want from it all."
L is full of superior advice. "Just approach it how you would any potential relationship. Just have fun and see where it goes. Don't hold any expectations to it. Just go with the flow, Sandra Dee." She really is my voice of reason.
So the decision was made. I sent an e-mail asking him about typical things. His family. Job. How funny that he was in my best friend's Bible study. Nothing too heavy. I must have read that thing over 246 times, praying long and hard before willing myself to hit "send."
I returned home last night from the Hornets game last night and opened my e-mail. And there is was. An e-mail from him.
His brother is married. His father and mother are semi-retired. He's moving to Tulsa.
Oh. Did I mention he started his own company?
That's right. He started his own company.
Sigh. He was everything I wanted in a mate, and I threw it all away because I wasn't ready for such a serious committment. I wanted to date other people and see what else was out there. And basically what I found was I was always comparing everyone to him. No, he wasn't perfect -- no one is -- but he would have jumped over the moon backwards for me if I'd asked him to.
I couldn't come up with the words to respond last night. It just wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to. I was trying to get something out that was important to me to say.
And that was an apology of how sorry I am about everything.
I have read the thing over 246 times and still can't will myself to hit "send."