Being a Reeeetard for IraqSoldier

Okay fine. You drug it out of me, blogosphere. I wasn't going to talk with you about it, but you win.

Here goes.

My confessional about a boy you haven't heard about yet.

And I can't stop thinking about him. So sue me.

Meet IraqSolider. Adorable. Smart. Hilarious. Polite. Handsome. Gentlemanly. Tall. Strong Christian - but more importantly, Presbyterian - which is what I am. He also grew up about 40 miles from where I went to high school in South Carolina. He also attended college at one of the schools that I had been looking at attending before I settled on my parents' alma mater. Needless to say we had gobs in common.

We met online about six months ago. We talked quite a bit for several weeks and finally decided to meet in person. And you know how you meet someone on a blind date and the chemistry just isn't there? That's how this was supposed to be. We were supposed to meet, think we were completely wrong for one another, and move on.

Oh. How dumb I was. How dumb I am.

I was stupid to even agree to meeting in the first place. Good Lord. He was going to be shipped overseas to Iraq four weeks after we met. I knew that. I KNEW that. And we STILL MET.

All together: Saaaaaandy - you reeeeeetard!!

But it wasn't supposed to work! It wasn't!

Why am I a retard? (Oh wait. Excuse me. I mean reeeeeeetard....) Because I think I had the best connection with him than anyone I have ever dated or will ever date, and I didn't know if he was going to come back or not. And if he did come back, if he'd even be the same person he was before he left.

We were on the same wavelength with so many things. We shared the same core values. He was aggressive with me without being over the top and pushy. And. Well. Dammit, we looked good together, too. Oh. And he kissed me. Not the other way around. Well, he was a horrible kisser, but I didn't care. It wasn't about that with IraqSoldier. It was deeper. We met a couple of times and spent two weekends together. He wanted to spend a third before he left, but I said no. I didn't want this getting complicated.

Too late, Sandy. Too damn late.

*Slaps forehead* You reeeeeeetard!

I was in too deep. He wanted to write me while he was over there. I said that would be great - I'd love it. I was afraid of it turning into a letters-from-war-romance cliche thingy, but I never told him that. I was afraid of what he might want the writing to become, or how he felt about me. So I just kept quiet.

And I waited for him to write.

And waited.

And he never wrote.

So - stupid me - I went first. I've written IraqSoldier twice now since he went over there in November. And nothing. When I tell people I haven't heard back from him, some ask me if I think he's even alive. But I know he is. He gave me his username so we could chat online, and he's been online several times. I've tried shooting him a couple of IMs through that just to say hi, and? Nothing. He's talking to his family I'm sure, and I don't have any business interrupting that whatsoever.

I know he has a job to do. A very busy and important and stressful and scary ass job to do. I know this.

And you guys probably think I'm making all of this up. I'm not. It could be something from a movie, for God's sake. Yeah. Right. Like a really horrible horror flick where the girl gets her heart smashed in a million and two pieces, and not by the guy, but by something larger and out of her control.

War.

I pray for him and his family every night. I think about him all the time. I wonder if he's sleeping or if he's making lists about real estate or thinking about what kind of car he's going to buy when he gets back or his dog or his new baby nephew or his roommate who's still in the U.S. I think about this. I know. I'm a reeeeeetard.

Well tonight I broke down and wrote him again. Talked about stupid stuff - the weather, the Super Bowl (he loves football), my job, highlights in the news - whatever. Crap that he probably doesn't care two hoots about. I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him.

And praying for his safe return.

But I didn't send it yet. I'm going to wait a while. Like after Valentine's Day. I don't want him thinking that just because I'm spending V-Day alone that that's why I'm missing him. Because it's not. At. All.

Dear Lord. I just miss him.

No strings attached.

::Edit:: If anyone has any advice for me as to how to handle this situation, I'm all ears. Please. Save me from being an even bigger reeeeetard than I've already been. Help a sista out.